People not giving a shit.

So, I had my bridal shower on Sunday. It was a lot of fun and excitement, and I had a good time. Nevermind the fact that my family is crazy, and that most of them barely know me and probably don't even remember if I'm Catherine or Elizabeth (my sister), let alone know what degree I'm getting. And by most of them I mean like 70%. And they don't care, because they are self-centered, money-grubbing, hypocritically-religious fools. Whatever.

Also, nevermind that most of my friends in Washington don't really care about me enough to even call me and pretend to be excited about my impending wedding, other than the usual gossip about me getting married so young (she's only 20! gasp!), and conversely, the fact that the people I do spend my time with up in Anchorage can't afford to fly down for all the festivities. And I'm not going to make them feel obligated to. And, to be perfectly honest, those people don't know me that well, either. Whose fault is that? No idea. It doesn't really matter, I guess. The only people who know me are my co-workers, which is kind of sad if you really think about it. But I work with some awesome people.

I'm more of a bridge burner than a bridge builder. And I like it that way. It feels very free. Not to mention that I knew this would happen if I moved. I did a cost-benefit analysis of moving and realized that living in the same place my whole life is not true to me, so why would I? And now I have Joe. What else do I need?

I guess I'm embarrassed because of social pressures, then. I don't have 100 screaming female friends helping me with this wedding shit. It's mostly just my mom and me. When I say mostly, I mean that, excluding Joe's family and my one grandma, and luckily, my awesome maid of honor, this is 100% all my mom and me doing the planning. People can't even give me the courtesy of RSVPing to say no. Because people don't know me, don't care about me, or whatever else. I sort of mind, because I feel left out or unpopular, but mostly I don't mind because if I wasn't being put through this tradition laden bullshit party, there would not be anything to remind me of that. It's not like wedding planning isn't fun, or I'm not excited, because...

Argh, I don't know why I'm writing this. Having hardly any friends and a family who doesn't care about you isn't that important when you're married, but I still hate the way it makes me feel. I'm trying to focus on other things.

Is this what musing feels like?

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to look back on the pictures taken of me during college and feel like the experience was thorough and worth it. Are there enough smiling pictures of me with groups of girls, restaurant pictures, pictures at club functions, and whatever else? Are there enough pictures to authenticate my college days? Kind of like, when I was in high school, I lettered in two activities but never purchased a letterman's jacket. There was a fleeting moment during which I wondered, "Am I going to regret not having this jacket when I'm 45 and society convinces me I ought to be living vicariously through my children/younger self?"

Then I said, "Fuck it." I was that kind of teenager. Smart, too, because that most definitely would have been a couple hundred dollars wasted...

I feel like I've gotten the experience for which I sought out. I got paid to do debate in college. I did honors. I got elected into student government. I wrote a thesis about a topic I cared about and was invited to speak about it on a panel. I was in a sorority.

A better question is, "Am I fulfilled because I participated in these activities?" To be honest, I don't feel much different. I guess networking was accomplished, but I will probably forever disappoint people I should be networking with because my interests are fleeting and I need whatever I am doing to be extremely dynamic or challenging for me to keep doing it.

Actually, and this is a little embarrassing, but my short-lived interest thing is more of a problem than I maybe admit. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of learning disability, or something, in relation to this. Not learning disability... social disability? Anyway, what's embarrassing about this is that I've been offered two internships, both in which I have participated, and neither of them are on my resume because I pretty much just stopped going one day. Both times. And they were both well paid. Why? Because I had to sit at a desk for eight hour blocks of time. I may be legitimately incapable of doing so. Cost benefit analysis pointed to "do something better with your time" in both cases. I can't say I really regret it, except for one of them I let down someone I respected.

Now I work in a restaurant and I'm quite happy. What I'm doing wouldn't impress anyone but it's the most fun job I have ever had. I wouldn't want sales to be my permanent career because sucking dick for money isn't a lot of fun (figuratively speaking...), but I go to work and I get to act all day. I really do. I get to see if I can make the biggest asshole ever have a good time by the time he leaves. Or make new friends. People learn my name. I get to instill balance in the little restaurant. I get to train people, which is when I get to teach. Now I'm pretty much a lead and so I get to call a lot of the shots, which is awesome. And honestly? I'm making the best money I have ever made.

In conclusion: fuck ever having a desk job, the goal of college is a piece of paper, I like the restaurant industry (for now, anyway), a lot of experiences are bullshit, and it's all about who you know. I've actually found networking in college pretty easy because I go to a college where intelligence is exceptional and not the norm, and I'm intelligent. And I get way more credit for that than I deserve. It's not particularly unique or anything. Except, apparently, in the state of Alaska. Maybe I just hate this state too much. It's definitely getting to be time to move on.

On teaching and education

I've been pretty bad at going to class this past semester. Like I said, getting married and adjusting my life accordingly seemed to take over, in some sense. Fortunately, at least in one of my classes, my professor knows me well and was letting me make up some missed work. I was to lead a class discussion today, something I've done for him many times before.

This time, however, he decided to throw me to the wolves and leave me to run a college class. He didn't even come to class, and I had no idea that would happen! However, I was not intimidated. The start we got off to was a little slow (the end of the semester means people stop reading the books or giving a shit...), but by the end of the class period where he did show up, people were deep in a heated argument about the text and making a plethora of assertions. Success.

I have been a teacher in many facets of my life. I taught debate to other students when I originally learned how to do it. I've lead class discussions on one topic, and some professors who know me better have allowed me to teach whole classes. I've trained people at work, which seems easy at first but is much more intricate than we might guess. In every attempt at teaching I've experienced, I have been told my attempt was successful. And that's a good feeling. Today, I discovered that getting in front of the class to teach was actually relieving and put me at ease. I like teaching more than I like being myself around people.

He asked me after class, "Where have you been?" I responded, "I got married." His retort was, "Did that take the whole semester?" No, it didn't. Why did I stop coming to classes? I've had some shitty teachers in my life, but I have a lot of very supportive college professors in my life who have bent over backwards to make sure I am successful. I am very lucky. So why?

There are a few reasons. Firstly, the beginning of this semester included a bunch of leftover GERs I had put off, which was very discouraging. A large lecture class about something in which I wasn't interested. Drop. Drop. Drop. Then, a new relationship, and a subsequent marriage - it's emotionally consuming.

I think the biggest obstacle has been looking at my education life and being dissatisfied. Part of me still pines to go to a "real university." I wanted an Ivy League education. Here I am at UAA, being almost as unchallenged as I was through most of high school. There are a lot of similarities. The professor in question once even asked me why I was at UAA, and told me I deserved to go to a better school. I'm inclined to agree. But not everyone would, I'm sure.

Then there's the obstacle of being a military wife. I won't be in one place for long, for a while. I know I can't finish my degree in the next year. Then, what? Phoenix online? I'm better than that. And how do I pay for it now? What about when Joe gets out of the military? I'll be in my mid 20s. Will I want to go back to college? Will I be able to? I'm scared. I feel like the circumstances are against me in this realm. I feel at a loss. So I guess I started to let my education fall through the cracks. I started to settle on ideas of management or entrepreneurship at best, because you don't need a college degree for that. Will I be too old to get my PhD that I've always coveted? Get my undergrad at 26 instead of 22, my MA presumably when I'm nearly 30, will I want all those extra years of school? Is it worth it? Will I have to get a job to support a family? It's like my dreams are flashing before my eyes. And it all seems to not matter when I'm going to some sort of unsatisfying and mediocre state school.

I'm discouraged. I can't help it.

Finance forward thinking

I know how blessed I am to have a husband who knows how to manage his finances. I'll give myself a little credit here - I'm not in any debt whatsoever. This is partially because I just haven't had a lot of expenses in my young adult life. I was fortunate enough to have parents willing to contribute to education costs, and as I continued on with my education, eventually I was on a full ride scholarship. I have worked constantly since I started college, which isn't all something to complain about - I would die of boredom if my life was just college. I needed something mindless to occupy my time. And some pocket money. So I got a job.

I have two credit cards. One is a Macy's card with a $100 limit that my mom convinced me to open because I got some sort of discount on a major purchase when I used it. The other is a Wells Fargo card with a $500 limit that I got for being a loyal bank customer. I don't use the Macy's one because it's a store card and there is no Macy's in Alaska. The Wells Fargo one I have used in the past. I have paid it late a couple times. Now it is paid off (actually, the company owes me $10... bahaha) and I plan on never touching it again. I don't trust myself to use a credit card.

My finances have started concerning me lately. I make about twice as much as my age bracket if not more because of tips. I work for a well-known restaurant in the Anchorage area from which the servers walk away with a pretty good sum of money. I am support, and I get some of what they earn when they tip me out. My tips are bangin' for what I could be making. I'm too young to be a server (you have to be 21 in Anchorage to serve any kind of alcohol) so I'm happy with where I'm at. I'm not in dire need of more money, either, because Joe makes a real salary. My actual wages are what most people my age make. I make that plus between $40-$80 or even more on a given night. (Lunchtime I make less, but since I'm effectively a lead host, I get to ask for night shifts if I want them. A seniority kind of thing. Plus I know how to do my job right.)

Anyway, when you walk home with a wad of cash like I do, that cash has a way of disappearing almost as soon as you receive it. I don't know how, but I found myself not earning any new money in my account, even though the expenses of which I was aware were nowhere near what I was actually making.

Turns out I've spend over $1,000 on food alone working for this place! Even with my 50% employee discount and the plethora of free meals/food I've received training people and from refires and all that. Joe has been urging me to consider retirement lately, and I've never given it much thought until now. Where is all that money going? It's frightening how much I've let slip through my fingers.

So, I went to my bank first thing today. I have no excuse not to utilize the banking system because a bank I like and trust is located literally right next to the restaurant at which I am employed. I walked in and asked for an entirely separate account from the one I currently have, a new account with no card access whatsoever. I can't get into this account unless I specifically go to the bank and ask for money.

Here's what I've decided. I will keep $50 a week for spending on whatever I want out of my tips. I will take my remaining tips to the bank once a week; on Wednesdays. That is before my workweek but after my work has had time to process my earnings and I can pick up my tips in full. This way I know exactly how much I'm making in tips each week. Any necessary expenses like bills will come out of my wages.

I also checked my credit report today. Absolutely no late payments on two credit cards, with only one inquiry into my credit from June 2009 that will disappear this June. Phew!

On to homework... is it weird that I find my finances WAY more interesting than literary analysis right now? What happened to my English major self?

I lied about the whole diligent blogging thing.

Sorry. I'm back now. I don't know what my problem is that I can't fulfill one silly little blogging promise...

I have an excuse, though. And I think it's a good one. In the last couple of months, Mr. Wanderlust and I tied the knot! I'm a married woman now, officially so. I knew he was my soulmate when I first met him, though. Married life is certainly different, but it's good. I never thought I'd be a wife at 20, but I'm enjoying it.

It's interesting, how women are pushed in very polar opposite directions. Either you're a suitable wife and mother, under which circumstances you ought to not have a job, get married and be faithful, rear children, and like every moment of it...or you're an "independent woman," which means you shouldn't be married until later life, should immediately get a degree and a post graduate education, and establish some sort of lucrative and powerful career. Preferably before the whole marriage bit.

I'm not going to lie in my damn blog, a part of me felt a little... ashamed for getting married young. Not for any intrinsic reason, just because I felt like I let people down by getting married. Grandparents who wanted me to be successful and all that. It doesn't help that getting married coincided with me not doing so well in school, which surprised everyone because my GPA is good and I'm an honors student. It's true, though, that marriage is a major life change and other things seem to take a backseat. I couldn't keep up with the changes related, plus working full time in a crazy restaurant job, and maintaining my debate scholarship, and then school. I dropped three classes, am in danger of failing another... if I work hard I can pull a C, but all motivation is gone. Especially because the hand of the military is reaching down and grabbing Joe and now me because I'm his wife and uprooting us from our quaint and somewhat dissatisfying Alaskan lifestyles to Suffolk, England in the not super far future.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited about England and I love seeing new things. I get to live in Europe for three years. It almost seems enchanting. But... it's hard to put forth your best in school when you're overworked and going through serious changes and know you probably won't get to finish your degree anyway because you're being swept away by the storm of life.

However, I don't think people look at me and see that. They appear to look at me and decide I've suddenly lost 30 IQ points and become your "typical housewife," an opinion which is apparently supposed to be shame inducing. Independent women prototypes aren't supposed to get married young and drop out of college, and vice versa, I guess.

Whatever. I shouldn't let society get the best of me. I know I'm a smart girl, and Joe has enduring faith in my intelligence. He's my family. So that should really be enough for me. And it is. I'm just acclimating.

Sea-style dinner

Mr. Wanderlust and I cooked tonight. It turned out fucking wonderful. It was a dinner filled with emotions, for some reason. I think emotions make a dinner all the better.

Meltdown Seafood Fettuccini

1 (16 ounce) package dry fettuccine noodles

1 1/2 tablespoons butter or margarine

1 cup chopped green onions

1/4 white onion

4 garlic cloves, peeled and minced

1 red pepper

1/2 pound medium shrimp - peeled and deveined

1/2 pound sea scallops, quartered

2 cups heavy cream

1.5 tablespoon cornstarch

1 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese

tsp each of basil, rosemary and cayenne pepper (for those who like their spice)

salt and pepper to taste

Salt water and add some olive oil. Add pasta. Cook until done (8-10).

In a large skillet or pan, melt butter. Stir in onion, green onion, red pepper and garlic, and cook until onion is almost browned. Add shrimp and scallops, stirring to combine, and cook until shrimp is nearly all pink (about five minutes). Reduce heat to medium-low.

Pour heavy cream, salt, and pepper into the pan and bring to a simmer, stirring constantly. Add cornstarch. Do not boil. Gradually sprinkle Parmesan cheese over seafood mixture and continue stirring another minute. Remove from heat.

Toss cooked pasta into the pan, coating thoroughly. Sprinkle with remaining Parmesan cheese, and serve.

This shit is SO FUCKING GOOD. I call it meltdown because 1. I pretty much invented the recipe, and 2. I had a meltdown while I was making it, and it STILL turned out good. That means it's practically fucking infallible, for those of you who think you can't cook. You're wrong. Amaze your man/woman/invisible friend/overbearing mother with this shit.

Seizure Salad (Caesar)

in a small bowl mix together the following ingredients:

salt to taste

freshly ground pepper to taste

1 clove garlic, crushed

1 tsp. dijon mustard

1-1/2 Tbsp. wine vinegar

3-1/2 Tbsp. olive oil

1/2 tsp. anchovie paste

1 tsp. mayo (optional)

parmesan cheese

romaine

croutons

And it's DELISH.

We also included some garlic bread.

Amazing.

It has to start somewhere

What better time than now!?

I am a woman with a penchant for exploring new things. My life must not be unlike the lives of many, but somehow, I still find things to be excited about on the daily. I have lived in Alaska since before you'd heard of Sarah Palin, which means it's high time to move onto somewhere new. I try and remind myself of my passions as often as possible so that I never forget - forgetting our passions is easier than we think. I'm fascinated by Indigenous Studies, I read a lot, and I drink a green smoothie every day. I am very fortunate to have found someone who can both hold my interest and put up with my crazy antics. He has gained great favor with me, of course.

I am going to keep up with this blogging shit. YA HEAR?