On teaching and education

I've been pretty bad at going to class this past semester. Like I said, getting married and adjusting my life accordingly seemed to take over, in some sense. Fortunately, at least in one of my classes, my professor knows me well and was letting me make up some missed work. I was to lead a class discussion today, something I've done for him many times before.

This time, however, he decided to throw me to the wolves and leave me to run a college class. He didn't even come to class, and I had no idea that would happen! However, I was not intimidated. The start we got off to was a little slow (the end of the semester means people stop reading the books or giving a shit...), but by the end of the class period where he did show up, people were deep in a heated argument about the text and making a plethora of assertions. Success.

I have been a teacher in many facets of my life. I taught debate to other students when I originally learned how to do it. I've lead class discussions on one topic, and some professors who know me better have allowed me to teach whole classes. I've trained people at work, which seems easy at first but is much more intricate than we might guess. In every attempt at teaching I've experienced, I have been told my attempt was successful. And that's a good feeling. Today, I discovered that getting in front of the class to teach was actually relieving and put me at ease. I like teaching more than I like being myself around people.

He asked me after class, "Where have you been?" I responded, "I got married." His retort was, "Did that take the whole semester?" No, it didn't. Why did I stop coming to classes? I've had some shitty teachers in my life, but I have a lot of very supportive college professors in my life who have bent over backwards to make sure I am successful. I am very lucky. So why?

There are a few reasons. Firstly, the beginning of this semester included a bunch of leftover GERs I had put off, which was very discouraging. A large lecture class about something in which I wasn't interested. Drop. Drop. Drop. Then, a new relationship, and a subsequent marriage - it's emotionally consuming.

I think the biggest obstacle has been looking at my education life and being dissatisfied. Part of me still pines to go to a "real university." I wanted an Ivy League education. Here I am at UAA, being almost as unchallenged as I was through most of high school. There are a lot of similarities. The professor in question once even asked me why I was at UAA, and told me I deserved to go to a better school. I'm inclined to agree. But not everyone would, I'm sure.

Then there's the obstacle of being a military wife. I won't be in one place for long, for a while. I know I can't finish my degree in the next year. Then, what? Phoenix online? I'm better than that. And how do I pay for it now? What about when Joe gets out of the military? I'll be in my mid 20s. Will I want to go back to college? Will I be able to? I'm scared. I feel like the circumstances are against me in this realm. I feel at a loss. So I guess I started to let my education fall through the cracks. I started to settle on ideas of management or entrepreneurship at best, because you don't need a college degree for that. Will I be too old to get my PhD that I've always coveted? Get my undergrad at 26 instead of 22, my MA presumably when I'm nearly 30, will I want all those extra years of school? Is it worth it? Will I have to get a job to support a family? It's like my dreams are flashing before my eyes. And it all seems to not matter when I'm going to some sort of unsatisfying and mediocre state school.

I'm discouraged. I can't help it.